Healthy Lifestyle

How People Pleasing Blurs Your Priorities

People-pleasing can take many forms, but key elements are putting other people’s needs, desires, and opinions above our own. You may feel like you have to agree with others, habitually volunteer, excessively apologize, or never ask for help.

According to therapist Erika Myers, when kindness to others involves “editing or altering words and behaviors for the sake of another person’s feelings or reactions,” it has crossed over into people-pleasing behavior.

It may seem benign, but this can be quite destructive. People-pleasing can make us live less authentically and fill our lives with other people's priorities. This is not good for us or our relationships with others.

Let’s evaluate the pitfalls of this practice so we can live our most authentic life.

Behind the Compulsion 

It may be okay to put their people's needs before ours at times, but it is important to recognize why we are doing it. Fulfilling a request may feel like a compulsion for people-pleasers as if they have no choice. This might be rooted in a desire for love and acceptance. Other people want to avoid conflict at all costs. Some have just never learned to value and take care of themselves.

While pleasing others may seem easier, according to Myers, “the urge to please others can be damaging to ourselves and, potentially, to our relationships when we allow other people’s wants to have more importance than our own needs.” People-pleasing keeps the focus on what is important to others, causing us to lose sight of what is important to us. Even when we think about our priorities, our schedule may be too full to include them. Our resources are limited (time, energy, money, etc.). Saying "yes" to something means saying "no" to something else.

I realize there are seasons when this will be more possible than other times. If my baby is hungry, I can not ignore her to watch a show. However, I can recognize what I want and plan to do something for myself later. 

How to Break Out of the People-Pleasing Cycle

Here are some things to help people-pleasers realign their lives to reflect their values and priorities. 

• Know Thyself - Listen to your preferences and desires. It can be as small as thinking about what show you want to watch rather than just going with the flow. As you develop the habit of checking in with yourself, lean into what your gut is saying. At first, you don’t have to act on it, but over time, you will learn to trust that your desires matter.

• Communicate - When you recognize what you want in a situation, communicate it in a kind and clear manner. Ask for what you need, express your preferences, say “no”, or put a boundary in place. Done respectfully, these things allow the relationship to grow and you to show up more authentically.

• Give Yourself Time - When changing people-pleasing tendencies, you may need time to figure out how to respond. It is okay to say, “I’ll need to think about that” or “I’ll have to check my calendar.” Then, take some time to check in with yourself before replying.

• Don’t Explain Yourself Too Much - It is okay to say “no” to a request without giving a reason. You don’t need to justify your decision to others. A simple “Thanks for thinking of me, but I won’t be available this time” is all you need.

• Don’t Apologize - Reserve your apologies for when you are in the wrong. You don’t need to apologize for disappointing others with your boundaries, preferences, or opinions. 

• Be Ready for Some Slack - Some people will respect you for this change, while others may push back. Notice the response and see what it tells you about the other person and your relationship.

We have a responsibility to ourselves to live a full, authentic life, which is hard to do when we only focus on the wants and needs of others. It is okay to put your wants and needs at the top of your priority list. 

Dr. Jamie

P.S. Are you a people pleaser? If you aren’t sure, take Dr. Susan Newman’s “Do You Have a People-Pleasing Problem?” quiz.

Try This Sleep Experiment at Home

Life can feel pretty overwhelming. Even good things like hobbies, friends, and family take time. You may feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day, so there isn’t enough time to get a good night’s sleep.

Sleep is one of the most fundamental functions we do each day though. Without good sleep, you will not only feel terrible, but you will begin to damage your body.

Everyone thrives on a different amount of sleep, so how can you tell if you are getting enough? What are your body's unique sleep needs?

Let’s dive into that question and figure out what your body needs to function at its best.

Sleep Research

Researchers took a group of people, put them in a stimulus-free room for 14-24 hours daily, and monitored their sleep. There were no clocks, so the subjects didn’t know when they went to bed or when they woke up. 

The first couple of days, sleep times averaged 12-20 hours per night. This seems to indicate that many subjects were in a “sleep deficit” going into the study, meaning their bodies were trying to catch up from chronic undersleeping. 

Over a few days, the participants' sleep began to average approximately 8 hours a night (with some sleeping more and some sleeping less).

How many hours would you sleep in a study like that? Do you think you are running on a sleep deficit? Is your body "charging you interest" on the sleep you are missing?

How Much Sleep is Enough?

Sleep researchers have noted that decreasing sleep time strongly impacts reaction time and other mental functions. You can use “reaction time” to determine if the number of hours you sleep is ideal for your body.

Here’s how...

• Write down when you typically go to sleep and wake up.
• Do a little experiment for 3 days. Each morning at the same time after waking up, take the reaction time test from the following website https://www.humanbenchmark.com/tests/reactiontime 
• Make a note of your score each day.
• On day 4, try moving your bedtime up by 30 minutes. Continue with that amount of sleep for 3 days, checking your reaction time each morning.
• Notice if your score is significantly different with more sleep. Pay attention to how you feel throughout the day. How is your energy level? Is your mental functioning better?
• After a few days, try moving your bedtime up another 30 minutes. Pay attention to your reaction times and how you feel.
• Repeat the steps in this experiment again until you find a bedtime that seems ideal for you based on your reaction times and how you feel.  
• Ideally, you will wake up ready for the day without an alarm clock.

Ditch the Alarm Clock

We want our bodies to wake up naturally when we are well-rested. You can use your alarm clock to ensure you are up on time, but the goal is to wake up before it goes off. If you are chronically fatigued when your alarm goes off, it is a sign that your body needs more sleep!

It is also important to mention that many factors impact how much sleep we need. Extreme physical activity, fighting an illness, or times of extreme stress can temporarily make your body need more sleep. If we honor our bodies' needs for sleep, we can feel and function at our best.

Let me know if you have specific questions about sleep. If you try this experiment, I’d love to hear how it goes!

Dr. Jamie

P.S. For more information about sleep research and this experiment, check out this article by Dan Pardi.

Are You Too Comfortable?

Michael Easter's The Comfort Crisis is both challenging and inspiring. The book combines his personal story, extensive research, and expert contributions.

Easter grew up in a family plagued with addictions and turned to drugs to avoid his uncomfortable emotions. As he worked towards sobriety, he learned to embrace discomfort and eventually saw incredible benefits.

He believes our culture's need for comfort has taken the meaning and joy out of life. So, he spent thirty days in the Arctic without the comforts we take for granted each day. In return, he experienced physical strength, emotional health, a clear mind, and extreme gratitude.

Easter challenges us that we "have an unmet need to do what’s truly difficult for us. New research shows that depression, anxiety, and feeling like you don’t belong can be linked to being untested.” 

Let's look at what he says to see if there is any merit.

Are We Fooling Ourselves?

A job we enjoy and a comfortable home without conflict sound like a dream, but an easy life does not always result in happiness. We were designed to do hard things: hunt for our food, build shelters, and work for survival. Being challenged can bring excitement, and we can feel proud of our accomplishments.

Survival also required people to work together in a community, which developed a sense of interconnectedness. Current studies “consistently show increased risk of death among persons with a low quantity, and sometimes low quality, of social relationships.” Connections improve your immune system and increase your chance of longevity.

Of course, we also need time to relax and unwind alone and with others. When life is too hard, we can live in a chronic state of stress that is not healthy either. 

Action, Risks, & Problems

Easter says, "Over the last decade, the average American added another hour of daily sitting. Adults now sit for six and a half hours, while kids sit more than eight." This does not lead to good mental or physical health. We need to challenge our bodies and minds to live a fulfilling life.

We also must be willing to take risks. Easter believes that “nothing great in life comes with complete assurance of success.” Doing something you have a 50% chance of achieving is a great way to challenge yourself. 

We may think we will be more satisfied when life is smooth. Easter challenges this perspective, explaining that “as we experience fewer problems, we don’t become more satisfied. We just lower our threshold for what we consider a problem.” Overcoming problems does not seem preferable to avoiding them altogether, but it may actually bring more satisfaction. 

Fun Tips for Hydration

Few things as simple as hydration have such a profound impact on your health. If you aren't hydrated, you are starving every cell in your body, preventing them from working at their best. It is important for digestion, energy levels, blood volume, skin, and the mind.

Dr. Hyman explains, “Water is so essential for our brains that a loss of just 1-2% can significantly impact our cognitive function, making it harder to focus, concentrate, make decisions, or even connect with others.”

If we know how important it is to stay hydrated, why is it so hard to make it a part of our daily routine? Let's remind ourselves of the benefits and look at fun ways to stay hydrated.

Proper hydration impacts

1. Immune system - boosts your immune system and can help prevent infections.
2. Nutrients to cells - helps deliver vitamins and minerals throughout your body.
3. Kidney & liver function - vital in eliminating waste from your cells
4. Weight regulation - boosts metabolism, increases satiation, and raises sympathetic nervous system activity.
5. Brain function - increases sleep quality, improves mood, and sharpens attention, memory, cognition, and the ability to concentrate.
6. Joints & skin - keeps joints lubricated and skin supple.
7. Reduces negative symptoms - staying hydrated can help prevent headaches, irregular periods, and constipation.
8. Regulates acid levels in the bloodstream
9. Lowers your risk of anemia and heart attack

Fun Ways to Stay Hydrated

1. Kombucha
Kombucha is a fermented drink made with tea, sugar, and a SCOBY. That funny word is an acronym for a “symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast.” As the bacteria eats the sugar, it produces probiotics, which are good for your gut. Some brands are high in sugar, so read the label carefully before buying a jar.

2. Water Kefir
Traditional kefir is a fermented drink made from milk with a variety of bacteria and yeast. Water kefir uses the same process but uses water as the base. It is easy to make. Just get the grains, put them in sugar water, and let them ferment. Some people enjoy adding flavor to enhance the taste. You can also do a second fermentation to make it bubbly.

3. Coconut Water
Coconut water is naturally sweet, making it taste great. It is a good source of nutrients such as magnesium, calcium, phosphorous, and potassium. In fact, it has more potassium than a banana. Look at the ingredients, though, because some companies add sugar, preservatives, or additives.

4. Mineral Water
Mineral water with a splash of juice gives you the flavor without the higher sugar levels of straight juice. You can also put a couple of tablespoons of balsamic in your sparkling water. Start with a fruity flavor such as mango, blueberry, strawberry, peach, or lemon.

5. Tea
Tea has been used for centuries for its health benefits. It is thought to decrease inflammation while improving gut health. With so many flavors, tea is a great alternative to coffee. As with most things, quality matters. Traditional tea bags may release chemicals and mycotoxins as they steep. Organic loose-leaf tea made with an infuser is a safer choice.

6. Zevia (if you can't give up soda just yet)
This soda contains only pure ingredients and has lower sugar levels than traditional soda. Many flavors mock popular drinks on the market. It can often be found at Target, Jewel, Whole Foods, and Walmart.

Let me know your tricks for staying hydrated.

Dr. Jamie

The Dangers of Sitting

I am more concerned about the level of movement you get throughout the day than how much you workout. Our culture is so focused on exercise that we forget the value of simply moving throughout the day.

We think we are living an active lifestyle if we go to the gym regularly; however, if we sit the rest of the day, we are still living a sedentary lifestyle.

Let's explore how we can change our mindset around movement.

The Danger of Sitting

According to Dr. James Levine, the director of the Mayo Clinic-Arizona State University Obesity Solutions Initiative, “Sitting is more dangerous than smoking, kills more people than HIV, and is more treacherous than parachuting. We are sitting ourselves to death.”

Even more surprising is that the negative effects of sitting are apparent in those who exercise daily. We need to change our view of movement and find ways to incorporate natural movement into each part of our day!

Cavemen's Workouts 

When you think about the history of mankind, setting time aside to exercise is a fairly new concept. Movement was simply a part of life for most of our ancestors, as their survival depended on it. They didn’t need to go to a gym, because they moved to secure food, shelter, and safety.

This functional movement got their whole bodies moving; they did natural movements in a natural environment. This is very different from the precise repetitive movements that most of our workouts at the gym include.

Are You Living in Captivity? 

In the wild, orca whales can swim 100 miles daily while foraging for food. In captivity, this natural unrestricted movement is not possible. Instead of swimming through the ocean without restriction, the captive orca spends its day swimming in circles. This lack of natural movement is one reason an orca’s fin may collapse while living in captivity.   

As humans, we restrict our movement due to work, busyness, or other lifestyle choices. We have put ourselves into “captivity” without even realizing it!

Ways We Put Ourselves in Captivity

• spending hours in one position (sitting in a chair at work or resting on a couch at home)
• walking on flat ground
• binding our feet in shoes (sometimes really unnatural shoes like high heels)
• engaging in repetitive exercise
• using machines that force our bodies into precise, but unnatural movements (ellipticals, treadmills, etc.)

Human’s “Collapsed Fin”

Instead of a collapsed fin, our lack of natural movement can show up in...

• knee pain
• hip pain
• collapsed arches
• arthritis in your joints
• tight hamstrings
• leaky pelvic floors
• bunions, etc.

Many patients tell me that they have “bad knees” or a “bad back," but most never consider why. We must look at how we move (or do not move) our bodies, as well as the cumulative stress we have put (or not put) on our muscles, ligaments, tendons, and joints.

Incorporating Natural Movement in Your Life

Long-term change is the goal, so start small and work your way up. 

• walk somewhere instead of driving
• sit on the floor instead of reclining on the couch
• take a movement break at work
• make a phone call while standing 

  Read more ...

Natural Ways to Boost Your Mood

We have four weeks and one day until spring! That's right; spring begins on March 20th at 4:01 Central Standard Time. 

Seeing the end of the wintery tunnel is a welcome sight for many, but we still need to get through the next 29 days.

Let's look at some natural ideas to boost your mood any time of the year.

Nutrients

Make sure to give your body the nutrients it needs to thrive. This includes eating enough calories including healthy protein, carbs, and fat. Doing this through whole food sources will help provide the vitamins and minerals you need. So focus on eating meats, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and seeds at every meal. 

Packaged items are often high in sugar, refined grains, and omega-6 fatty acids. They also tend to contain chemicals and preservatives. These things do not provide good nutrients and cause inflammation in the body. Many common health concerns involve inflammation, so minimize these ingredients and stick to whole food.

Whole foods support the beneficial microbiome in our gut, especially if you eat fermented foods. Foods like yogurt, sauerkraut, kimchi, and kefir are rich in probiotics. You can encourage the good bacteria to multiply by giving it the food it needs. It thrives on fiber from fruits, vegetables, and starchy tubers.

Sleep

Getting the proper sleep helps boost your mood. Sleep in a cool room with a comfortable bed. Keep your room quiet or consider a sound machine. Only use your bedroom for sleep and sex. Generally, you will benefit from not being overly full or hungry. Be sure your diet isn’t too low carb or low fat. Since caffeine and alcohol interfere with your circadian rhythm, limiting them (especially later in the day) will help you sleep better at night.

Exposure to natural bright light in the morning may be the most important habit for a great night's sleep because it helps reset your circadian rhythm. Finding ways to be outside in these Chicago winters can be challenging, but exposure to natural light is extremely beneficial. It helps your sleep and directly impacts your mood significantly. Too much artificial light, however, can negatively impact your sleep and mood. Install black-out curtains, cover electronics that emit light, avoid screens two hours before bed (computers, smartphones, television, etc.), use blue light-blocking glasses, and wear a sleep mask.

Sleep hygiene is important, but good habits will not matter if you do not make enough time for sleep. Mathew Walker says, “You have more of a chance of being struck by lightning than you do of being in that tiny, tiny minority of people that can thrive with fewer than 7 ½ to eight hours of sleep.” And, remember, being in bed for eight hours does not equal a full eight hours of sleep; you need to account for the time it takes you to fall asleep.

Movement

I am more concerned about how much you move throughout the day than how much you exercise. When you think about the history of mankind, setting time aside to exercise is a fairly new concept. Our ancestors didn’t need to go to a gym, because they moved to secure food, shelter, and safety. It was a natural part of their life; their survival depended on it. Children also incorporate movement naturally in fun spontaneous ways. Unfortunately, we tend to lose this as we get older and "more mature."

Take some time to think about how often you move throughout your day as an adult. If your job requires you to sit for eight hours, are there ways to break it up? Remember that movement doesn't have to be strenuous. It could be as simple as walking to the water fountain, standing up for a phone call, or discretely stretching in your seat.

Here are some other ways to include movement in your daily life...

• sit on the floor or stand instead of reclining on a couch or a chair with a back
• take a movement break at work
• carry your child instead of using a stroller
• use the basket instead of a grocery cart
• put on music and dance around your house instead of watching TV
• take the stairs instead of the elevator
• park further away at a store

  Read more ...